Newsletter subscribe


LoveLab Podcast—Interplanetary Edition (Tara Campbell)

Posted: 15 May, 2014 at 3:10 pm   /   by   /   comments (0)

This week on LoveLab: A fleen-playing scientist from Zink looks for love on Earth. An advertising professional from Ohio expands her dating horizons. Will their First Contact lead to a Space Odyssey or a crash landing? We gave Tanya and Neil a LoveLab date budget and sent them out on the town to find out. Now they’re back in the studio to tell us all about it. So let’s jump right in: Tanya, why don’t you give us a LoveLab introduction?

Tanya: Hi, my name is Tanya, I’m 23 years old, and I’m from Akron, Ohio. I work in advertising, and in my free time I like to play soccer and go to baseball games—go Sox! I just started taking guitar lessons, so I still suck, but you know… Anyway, my favorite food is chocolate cake; and, um…oh yeah, the first thing people notice about me is my eyes.

LoveLab: And they are beautiful, by the way. So, Neil, how about you?

Neil A: Oh, hi. My name is Neil A. I’m approximately 25 Earth years old. I come from Frandis, Barvis; planet Zink; Glinkian System. I’m a planetary scientist and, uh, when I’m not taking measurements I like to play soccer and denkval, which is a game like basketball. I also play the fleen, but I’m still looking for an ensemble here.

LoveLab: Favorite food?

Neil A: Binquist, which are like sardine pancakes.

LoveLab: And first thing people notice about you?

Neil A: My eyestalks. But that was on Zink. I’ve made adjustments for Earth, and so far so good!

LoveLab: Okay, so we’ve met Tanya and Neil. Now tell us what happened! Start from the top.

Tanya: Well, he wanted me to pick the restaurant, so I chose Sirius Eats. They’re known for their steaks, but they also do comfort food from other galaxies. You know, eclectic and comfy, so he’d feel at home.

Neil A: I got there about 5 minutes early to give myself time to settle in. I was a little nervous, so I ordered a milk on the rocks—I wasn’t driving. As soon as Tanya walked in, I realized I’d made a big mistake.

Tanya: I was right on time—well, maybe a minute late—and the hostess said Neil had already arrived. She had this funny expression on her face, and when I got to the table I saw why—Neil was a she!

LoveLab: Neil, WTF?

Neil A: That was my mistake, taking on female form. The person in the picture LoveLab sent me had short hair, so I stupidly assumed Tanya was male. I can’t tell from the names yet. I know I should have asked, but I didn’t because I would have felt dumb. Well guess what—I felt even dumber sitting at the table with mammaries and a miniskirt when what she clearly wanted was a guy!

LoveLab: I don’t understand; didn’t you mark “guy seeking gal” on your form?

Neil A: I marked them all, actually. I wasn’t sure…

LoveLab: Oh, right. We’re sorry about that, Tanya.

Tanya: Hey, it all worked out. But I have to say, I was pretty shocked when I first saw him—her. I knew he wasn’t from around here, but holy crap! You know what, though? He could tell he’d made a mistake and he fixed it right away. He turned from a she to a he in, like, half a second. So I give him credit there.

LoveLab: Okay, quick recovery, Neil. So what happened next?

Neil A: Well, I was kind of rattled after my initial snafu, and when I’m nervous I start to babble. She sat down and I just launched into this whole apology and explanation, like “you see, on my home planet blah blah blah.” I kind of monopolized the conversation at first, but she was nice enough to wait it out.

Tanya: I actually enjoyed getting to know a little bit more about him. I mean, ever since I’ve expanded my dating circle to include extraterrestrials—you kind of have to figure that introductory part is going to take a little longer, you know?

LoveLab: Yes, but did he ask you anything about yourself?

Tanya: Oh, sure, once he relaxed a little. You know, we ordered an appetizer and started talking about other kinds of food we liked and stuff. Pretty soon I caught on that he could read my mind, so I didn’t really have to talk that much. It was kind of convenient, really. I could just think about the answers to his questions and eat without having to worry about talking with my mouth full.

LoveLab: And that didn’t bother you, the mindreading thing?

Tanya: No, I’m pretty much an open book anyway. What you see is what you get! He seemed like enough of a gentleman not to go rifling around in there.

Neil A: Oh, my people are very circumspect about looking into other people’s minds. We only scan for content specifically directed at us. I mean otherwise, just think about it, delving into other minds from different planets? Pardon my language, but trying to interpret all that shit would pretty much drive us insane.

Support our sponsor:

LoveLab: Right. So what happened next?

Tanya: Well, after the appetizer I got a steak, but Neil didn’t get a main. He said he just needed milk. I guess he was nervous, which I thought was kind of cute, you know? But then the tables around us began to fill up and it felt like people were starting to stare at us. I think it was because he was reading my mind. I mean, I guess I can understand it: one person’s drinking milk, having half a conversation, and the other one’s just thinking and eating steak. I could see how that would look a little weird, so I started talking again.

Neil A: I was glad when she started talking out loud again. I was starting to lose track of her thoughts. I’d ordered a second glass of milk, you see, and that one went right to my head. I probably should have eaten more.

Tanya: I know, I feel bad about dessert. You could have finished it, you know.

Neil A: No, that’s okay, I wasn’t thinking.

LoveLab: What happened?

Tanya: Well, he was so excited to see a dish from his home planet on the menu—

Neil A: Tscharanga.

Tanya: Right, taschengarta.

Neil A: No, tcharan—close enough. It was amazing; they were so fresh!

Tanya: “Fresh” meaning still alive. I mean, I like to keep an open mind, but you don’t expect that from a dessert, do you? They were these cute, pink, fuzzy-looking things, wriggling around on the plate and cooing.

LoveLab: Cooing?

Tanya: Yeah, they sounded so cute. But then you have to…

LoveLab: Yes?

Neil A: There’s some technique involved.

LoveLab: Meaning?

Tanya: Meaning you have to tear their heads off and squeeze their guts out.

Neil A: It’s easy; you just twist and roll, like a tube of toothpaste.

Tanya: Except toothpaste doesn’t squeal when you take the cap off.

LoveLab: Okay, eww, change of subject: what happened next?

Tanya: Well, we still had some LoveLab money left after dinner, so we decided to go play some pool. I know, cliché, but Neil said he’d never played before, so I thought it would be fun—until we got there.

Neil A: Yeah… That was kind of uncomfortable. We have some stuff that looks like that back home, but, uh, it’s used for different purposes.

LoveLab: Like what?

Neil A: Well, umm… It’s not something you’d typically do on a first date back in Barvis.

Tanya: I’m so embarrassed right now.

Neil A: It’s not that I’m not attracted to you—

Tanya: Let’s just skip to the next question.

LoveLab: Well, okay then, let’s cut to the chase. How did it end? Did you kiss him good night?

Tanya: I’m not sure.


Neil A: Well, I was nervous, but yeah, I leaned in and made my move. I kissed her for about 5 nanoseconds. But then I realized she probably didn’t catch it, and by that time her cab had arrived so… Well, next time—if there is a next time, which I hope there is—I’ll try kissing her slowly enough for her to perceive it.

Tanya: Awww!

LoveLab: Well, sounds promising. And now it’s time to Rate the Date!

Tanya: He was a real sweetie, and I’d like to see him again. But I’m gonna have to give it a 4 out of a 5 cause of those first few seconds. First impressions, you know?

Neil A.: It was wonderful. What’s the scale; can I give it a 7.5? I’d give it an 8.0, but I messed up the kiss. Or maybe a 7.0—that “pool hall” sex palace was pretty freaky. Maybe a 6.5. Oh, yeah, and I kind of messed up the very beginning, so probably a 6.0. Or maybe a 5.5. But I’d definitely like to see her again!

Update: Another LoveLab success story! Despite their busy schedules, Neil A and Tanya have met up twice since they appeared in our studio, and they have another date on the books. According to Tanya, Neil A has learned to slow down his kisses; and his shape-shifting ability allows her to date a variety of handsome men with the same sweet personality. Sounds like Tanya’s boldly going where no Earth woman has gone before!

Next on LoveLab: Squinn, a lovelorn Lorithian banker meets Queenie, a barista from Barbados. She says tentacles turn her on, but will she get more than she bargained for? Join us next week to find out.

Comments (0)

write a comment

Name E-mail Website

Copyright 2015, The Sci-Fi Romance Collective